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  Part  3 -  Emotional Intelligence In Action: developing and maintaining personal integrity while seeking business success. Working with your own Coach, as these women did, is a powerful tool for increasing your Emotional Intelligence that helps you steer a steady course through a sometimes-turbulent business world.

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"My boss is a bitch, complained a solo business owner. I easily understood. I'm my own boss too, and, although I'm my own master (mistress), I'm also my own slave. If you own your own business, you, too, may be very tough on yourself, driven by your own hopes, aspirations, and fears.

You believe that the success or failure of your enterprise depends on your own ability to recognize opportunities, communicate enthusiasm, respond to change, stay organized, market creatively, manage your employees, your cash flow, your network, etc.

You're also the one giving direct service to your customers, attending meetings to stay current in your field, and finding the legal and accounting resources you need just to be in business.

No wonder you're often stressed out, scared and tired. Few of us are really as calm, self-possessed, confident, or secure as we attempt to appear in public. In small business owner's support groups, the truth sometimes emerges.

Sometimes things do go smoothly for a while, but more often you are stretching to address one problem or another. Often it's a matter of setting priorities. Your resources are limited and you try to figure out the very best way to use them. You must always make choices on the basis of insufficient information, so you guess and hope.

You know that almost every decision involves a calculated risk, and unless you are comfortable making mistakes and correcting them, and occasionally looking foolish or getting burned, you probably kick yourself for the inevitable mistakes you do make.

After I had been in my own business for about 15 years, my father, a retired executive (but never a business owner) shared a secret. "Make decisions quickly! If six out of ten are right, you are a winner." What a relief to allow a 40% margin of error. For years I had been trying to do everything right, and I thought there was something wrong with me when I missed.

I was creating extra stress because I felt embarrassed by my mistakes, and tried to appear smarter and more confident than I actually was. I'm not alone, and neither are you. Lots of us are trying to be perfect - or at least to appear perfect - instead of just allowing ourselves to be human.

 A quick survey of the worst fears of members of three different support groups showed that being a business owner isn't easy. Many were afraid of not having sufficient cash flow to meet expenses. Customers delayed payment, or payment wasn't due until the very end of a long, complicated project. Meanwhile, operating expenses continued.

Another common fear was of the humiliation of public failure: "I've made a public declaration that I am in business; and if I'm not successful, everyone will look down on me." This isn't just limited to new businesses. In one group of established business owners (over 3 years in business), three of ten that had previously done well nearly failed in a single year.

The fear of success is also prevalent:

• I'm growing so fast I feel like I have a tiger by the tail. I'm afraid to say no to anything because I don't really understand where all this business came from, and I'm not sure it won't disappear just as mysteriously.
• How do I decide whether or not to hire help?
• What if my clients evaporate?
• What if they don't, and I never again have time for my family or myself?
• I feel out of control. I can't let go to get a better grip.
• I'm so busy doing, I don't have time to plan for future needs.

There are no simple solutions for most of these problems. However, they are all worse when they are faced in isolation. When you are the owner of a solo business, one of the most common problems is not having anyone to talk to about your difficulties.

If you work alone, you may be avoiding getting advice, afraid that if potential clients or customers hear of your problems; they won't want to hire you. It's hard to break out of the isolation.

"Tell the truth, it's a great shortcut, suggests an old friend of mine. This is great advice, and it's important for all of us to have people who will hear our truth and respect it and us. Deliberately seek out other people who can act as sounding boards for you.

 Join a BOSS or roundtable support group at a Chamber of Commerce or other business organization. Create your own support team. Find at least one other small business owner and share your mutual concerns. It will help with the isolation and may also help you find solutions to some of the problems.

Perhaps most important is to shift the way you feel about fear. It's OK to feel afraid, but you don't need to let it paralyze you. Things may not turn out the way you want them to, and that has happened to you before. Think about what you really are afraid of, and create a plan for what you would do if your worst fears did come true. Then ease up on yourself.

Sometimes it is difficult to remember just why you are doing all this.

• What are the values you expressed by starting your own business? Did you want to be independent?
• Did you want to create a certain kind of lifestyle for yourself and your family? Did you have an idea you felt you had to express?
• Did your business grow out of doing something you love or to avoid something you hate?

Are you accomplishing these objectives? If you are, congratulate yourself. The challenges are worth the rewards!